I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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