hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I still have a little drunk in my system
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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