he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
