I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Houston, we have a blender
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
