I wish my penis had an off switch
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
