Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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