girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
