she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
