make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
