I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
