Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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