Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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