We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
