god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
