Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
