I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
