Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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