I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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