God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
