how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
