The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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