apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
