I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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