Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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