Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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