Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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