the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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