I seem to have left my pride at pride
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
