hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
