Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
