Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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