You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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