I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
