Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
