he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You are the jesus of drinking
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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