Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
