I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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