Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
