I didn't shave. On purpose
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
