you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
