I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
