you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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