Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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