Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
