My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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