I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
