On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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