I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
