dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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