I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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