Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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